Sacrilege.

I still remember the first day I owned a Super Nintendo. I was with my grandmother in Canberra, and we went into the DJ’s at Woden Plaza where they had a demo setup playing F-Zero. We ended up leaving with Super Mario World and F-Zero. It was a good day.

I didn’t bring much with me from Australia to the US, but I still have my original SNES controller here. It was a Big Deal in my growth as a person. Super Mario World was one of those games that turned me into a designer. It’s in my top 5. F-Zero, through no fault of its own, turned me into the jaded husk of a man I am today.

See, I was really good at F-Zero. Specifically, Mute City - I had that track down on lock. Anything above 2:51 was a terrible time, and I could usually break 2:50 on good runs. All of my schoolmates who challenged me were defeated. I was a golden god, until the American exchange student came to town.

I don’t even remember his name now. I just remember standing outside our classroom, and the topic of conversation moved to F-Zero. I bragged about my 2:49 lap times. Then, that goddamn seppo dropped his line.

"What? That’s a terrible time. My best is 2:32"

Even worse, he had verification from other kids who’d seen him do it. I was basically nobody now. I practiced and practiced, but never figured out how he was shaving off that much time. I’m skipping some details, but this story ends with me changing schools and never mentioning F-Zero again.

A decade later, Super Nintendo emulation becomes feasible. For old times sake, I grab a F-Zero ROM and play. I’m obviously rusty.

I get a time in the 2:30s. That goddamned asshole. Of course he got a faster time, his dumb imported purple console was 17.5% faster than all of ours. What a goddamned fucking hack on a pogo stick! If I translated my time, I would have completely smoked him! GodDAMMIT! WHAT A FUCKING HACK.

I still can’t remember this guy’s name, but every year or so I try googling around to see if I can finally get revenge. I never do.

Now, Nintendo of Europe has the balls to side with this guy, and whitewash all of the victorious lap times that us non-yanks achieved. This is our thanks for sticking by you when you didn’t release Animal Crossing? This is our thanks for being stuck with Doshin the Giant instead of Earthbound?!

Sacrilege.

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